rehearsing in Amherst

,I am rehearsing Poetic License in Amherst MA

fun... great to have the time to reinvestigate the angel... my nemesis character...
it was lovely to be given the theatre to be in it all alone... and I will have more of this time this week... I think I might like theatre again. But then I have these other moments - I found myself staring at a floor lamp... basic theatre light on the floor, tape marks, wood base... I followed the taped down wire with me eyes until it disappeared behind a wing... and I thought
I could be anywhere in time or space in the last 30 years of my life... I looked around and the whole scene, the shins, the house chairs, the tape on the floor, the flat black masonite floor looked like any other theatre, any other week/month/year/city and I was suddenly sick of it all...
why? familiarity breeds contempt? Doing One Pure Longing I was pushing all the edges for myself and then had a show that was full of mess and wonder and unfinished and moments of beauty- but I was trying to do something big and different... did I/we succeed? maybe not - maybe I/we crashed and burned... will I be able to keep taking risks? I laughed out loud- cause I don't think I am capable, actually capable of doing otherwise. And I do not mean that in a pompous way- I really am not capable...
ok, maybe I am... maybe I should try to make something... purely
what? pure entertainment? I am not against entertainment- the show I am working on now is very entertaining (according to many reviews... and performances and apparently happy audiences...) but what does all that mean? Should I care about all that? Do I? can I really get my ego out of the way? Maybe it isn't about ego at all- maybe it really is about service... how to create something USEFUL, ENTERTAINING and MEANINGFUL... did I lose the first 2 trying to do the third in OPL? Joni Mitchell's last album that was so politically correct- I really did not like and I think she is a genius... does one have to TRY to work from that place to get closer to it and then let it go again and go back to the grimmy self to create and hopefully with the effort of trying to do something with deeper meaning or political/spiritual intent, then the next 'create what ya gotta create' maybe gets more meaningful???

AHHHHHHHHHH

art... really, if you don't HAVE to- do something else... way, way too hard...